Sorry

Have you guys realized how difficult it is to say sorry, to apologize?

Specially to those who matter the most for you

You make the mistake and you know that you have because you can see the hurt in their faces or hear it in their broken voices, you just know that you are just crossing a line that you shouldn't have

And it is so difficult to say sorry right away, is like grabbing to your ego and saying "No you won't", or like grabbing that piece of sorry and maintain it with your pride (safe and hidden), as if saying the words would make you look weaker and sadder and pathetic

But you know you've done wrong, you said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing and you were to late for saying sorry because you couldn't say it right away

When you reflect in what your actions have caused, the damage is already done,and maybe you did it because your mood wasn't the best or because you were tired, or hungry, but the thing is that you can't take back the words, you can't take back what you did

Moments later you know that you should apologize but is already too late and is shameful, an hour or a day or a week or a month has passed and you know that you can't say those words right now, not anymore, it would be shameful, you keep holding onto the ego or the pride or the wholly image of being stronger and able to hurt someone (?)

So when you try to say sorry is already too late, and you try to compensate with being extra nice to that person, you smile more at them, trying to tell them without words that you are sorry, that you didn't mean to, and maybe they get it but maybe they don't

Sometimes you're gonna have to say the words, and you know what? Is better if you do say the words, even if you believe that makes you weaker, but it doesn't, it makes you stronger, you are the person who is able to see beyond their faults, that's brave my friend

I believe that it is more difficult to say those words to a person that you love than to a stranger, they know you, somehow you think they could mock you, or make you a target, so you don't. You'd rather stay quiet, let others say the words.

I'm not very good with the spoken-language-thing, I'm better at writing, I cope better and my words make more sense, my thoughts make more sense, when talking I just mumble and stutter, I hate it, but is what it is.

Love is another word that we keep to ourselves, we don't often say these words to our loved ones, even though we should, they should know how important they are for you, they should feel that love and care that you are trying to give and for some people works better if you say it

I used to think that saying the words was the most important thing but the actions matter as well, but then recently I started thinking that only the actions can also mislead, you gotta make your intentions clear as well with words. Written. Spoken. Drawn?

Whatever you feel like it, but do it, say the words, the answer is always going to be no if you never ask (;

Love ya

Changes

Everything was supposed to change

Is how it happens right?

Big click. And then change.

Big trauma. Then change

Big breakup. Then change.

The changes that come after the BIG are supposed to be positive, all good, your life changes for the best, you get over whatever got you down, you grow from that and move forward

You get all better and good

That's the right thing ain't it?

Isn't that the order of the things? Did I get it wrong?

I know that you go through a dark place and then is all light, I'm stuck in the dark place

For me there is no other place but the dark one, there's no light, not even the slight-less, not even a tiny bit, to me is all darkness.

Perspective? point of view?

Either way I'm stuck in this endless circle of darkness.

I have no idea of what I'm doing or of what to do, I can't move

And at the beginning it was scary but now is not, and I think that should be scarier.

At the beginning I was afraid that I wouldn't love anymore, that I would remember him in everything, that I wouldn't get over him, that He have ruined a whole culture for me, I was scared for that to happen.

Now is not, is just whatever, I'm tired of feeling tired, I'm tired of feelings, I'm tired of all and I think that somewhat I have already given up, I'm not trying anymore

I don't fix my hair, I don't put my prettiest clothes on, I'm not interested in a healthy diet or lifestyle, I don't go out, I don't do anything, I have given up on myself, I don't like myself

That's the best way to put it

I have given up in myself and in my life and in my future

I can only cry. I feel nothingness most of the time.

I'm just a shell of a person

Letters I'll never send

I love you

Today you hurt more, deeper

Everything reminds me of you

Every song, every word

I find it difficult to breathe

I miss you

I thought you were my one

You are still my person even if I'm not yours

I hope, I hoped

Now is crashing down on me

You are not coming back

You'll never come back

My spark is dying

My magic fades out

"Maia"

You'll get that one

I can't stop the tears

I can't stop the memories

I miss your voice

I'm afraid

Maybe you hate me now
That's what I'm afraid of

My chest feels heavy

My breathing raged

My head paining

My heart breaking

You were it for me

I loved you

I still do

I want to heal

I can't now

Hurts, hurts a lot

Is my fault? Why?

I miss the security you gave me

I miss us

You were my better half

One day your memories won't bring tears

One day

Good life sweet boy

Lizeth <3

Heartbreak

How does heartbreak feel?

I think I know

I wish I didn't

I've been feeling heart break for a while, for a bunch of multiple reasons

You would think that only when you are romantically involved you can get hurt, such a foolish idea, your own parents could break your heart, your siblings, your own family, your friends

This time though, this time it comes from a romantic relationship, I've never felt so hurt in my life

Is very difficult to put into words but I'll give it a try

It feels like a hole in the middle of your  body, and it threatens to swallow you whole, it just keeps on expanding, I felt it close to my heart, and I kept on crying my eyes out, I kept bawling, and I had the silly idea that if I were to rip my heart out I would get the pain away, so I kept scratching over my heart, trying to take it out

That's not the only feeling though

Your mind plays games with you as well, the voices in your head telling you that is your fault, that you could have done better, that it was the last text you sent him, is the last conversation you had with that person, the last call, he is not coming back, he is never coming back

Some days are better than others, some days are good and some others are bad, today is a good one for me, I had this relationship for almost 4 years, so the feelings are all over the place, it will take time to heal

I wanted to keep on trying, I didn't give up, I had hope, I always thought there was a way, he thought differently, he said it was impossible,we are not meant to be he said

I gave him all my days, the good ones, the special ones, the bad ones, the perfect ones, all of them, he took it all.

Some other feelings come as well, the first day was a numb feeling, I don't want to feel, I can't feel, everything is whatever, food? No. Sleep? No. You feel nothing

I think I just stared at the wall for the hours and hours until my mom pulled me out of the chair

Another day was shock, I took it all in, "he is not coming back" I said to  myself again, and then I cried, again

I've cried him over a thousand tears

The next day was worse, I realized that the trip he made I would never know nothing about, I would never know of the people he met, I would never know what made him change his opinion, I would never his opinion anymore, I would never know why, never truly.

It was devastating, I cried, and cried, an cried, I couldn't even see clear anymore, everything was blurry, my eyes got swollen, my head hurt, and then I just slept it off.

I was tired, the emotional rollercoaster was taking a toll on me, I was tired all the time, I wanted to sleep, to sleep until I was healed

I'm still working on it, I am still in pain, I still hurt, there is a quote that I like and says like this "It hurts because it was real" I believe in that

At least I can say that I've tried, I tried everything I had in my power to keep on trying, I don't regret it, not even one day, I gave my all, I gave all my love  to this person, I gave everything that I had to give, I tried.

It was real because it hurts now.

Everything reminds me of him, in some silly things, a song on the radio, yesterday I saw something on TV and I was in tears again, and it feels like when someone pinches you with a needle, but this time is like in your heart, it hurts in your heart, like a pinch in your heart, I am being redundant I know, I just wanted to make my point go across

It hurts to see couples, it hurts to see them happy, they made it work, and I couldn't the voices tell me, stupid voices, love songs hurt, hate songs hurt, pretty much everything hurts.

Sometimes I sleep too much, and sometimes I sleep nothing at all, those nights that I don't sleep is because I think of ways that I could have done better

Is a process that I am working on, I am my most loved project, and I think I forgot that somewhere along the line

I was loving him more than I could ever love myself, I saw all his flaws and thought they were not flaws, I saw all my flaws and thought they were horrendous, now, don't get me wrong, I didn't  believe him a God of any sort, neither did I put him in a pedestal so I could admire him, no he was just a person, but it happens that I thought he was my person, my perfect person, flaws and all.

So I loved him, and I kept on loving him when I couldn't love myself, I loved him more than any other person, I cannot describe that love, I truly can't, and I know that this is so cliché and that people say that all the time, but I would have done anything for that guy

I was willing to live in a foreign country, where I had nothing that could be comfort to me, different language, costumes, people, an even weather, no family, no anything, I was going to do it, I would have.

I think that's why it hurts so much now, all my efforts, all that I did, all that I loved, he didn't take it, he didn't want it, and so I built my dreams and my future around this person and... it all shatters, you found yourself in a limbo, you wonder, so what now? What am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here?

Right now I have no idea, I just keep moving, keep on going, keep walking, step by step, and all that jazz, I feel... Lost.

So freaking lost

I know that so many girls would have something to say about my situation, and I think many guys too, and I know that some would say he is not worth it, and that I should move on, that something better is coming, I know all of that, I really do, I just can't see it right now

The pain is still there

It still exist within me

And I know that someday I'll heal, someday I'll let go completely, someday I will be better, for now though, for now just let it hurt

"Let it hurt, let it bleed, let it heal and let it go"

For now my darlings I can't take the test, I still don't get the lesson, I still don't know anything, I know that this will sound awful, but for now I just can hurt, I just can bleed, one day, everntually, all will go

You know there is something I like to tell to people:  when someone is not ready to see, when someone is not ready for the  next step in their lives, when someone just can't see the truth in front of their eyes, it doesn't matter how many times you try to make them see, to make them understand, if they are not ready they will not see it, they will see it when they are ready, they will get over it when they are ready, all happens in good time for each of us, my timing is not the same as you, and the fact that you can heal from a heartbreak sooner or later doesn't make any difference, because we all learn either way, it goes for every aspect in life, having a husband or wife, having kids, having a successful career, being happy, we all are different, we all have different timings

So if someone is hurting don't try to fix them, don't try to "make them see" by forcing them into situations they are not ready for, just be there, support them, be a shoulder to cry on, be the friend who brings Ice-cream and wine so you can let it all out, there are better ways to say "Just move on from that"

You can always say to that person who is in deep grief, "you are worth it" "What you are, here and now, is enough" Those are some positive words you can apply, that means that you support who they are and what they are for what they are.

If someone where to tell me right now " he is not worth it", that would make me feel bad, it means that I made a wrong choice, that I was loving the wrong person, and that is not true, everyone deserves to be loved, I loved him more than anything, he deserved it, he just was careless with my love, there's a difference, all in all he is a good guy, a family guy, if I were to be in his place I probably would have done the same thing, he is a wonderful person, he just wasn't a great boyfriend

And that's fine also, I mean, I don't have to be his one even if I considered him mine, is wrong to badmouth other people when you don't even know the story, so far I have received only good feedback, people have been very kind to me, they've been great

He is not bad you guys, he is not a bad person because he broke this girl's heart, he is just human, and humans do what humans can

Anyways, that's all from me, I don't like being like this, all broken, but somehow I have to, it happened, I can't avoid it, I can just face it, I can just feel it, I can just let it go as well,if I don't let go it will hurt me more in the end, and that's something you should learn, forgive everyone, not because of them, but because you need peace

Love you all guys

Your girl;
              Lizz

Birthday!!

Today Is my Birthday

Day started with no electricity in my house
For hours and hours there was no electricity
If there's no electricity there's no Internet either in my house
There's no hot water either
So I was unable to check on my social networks, to see if maybe someone had wished me happy birthday
My land line works with the Internet too, so no electricity, no Internet, no phone
There was no possible way that my family called me either
I had to take a cold shower because there was no electricity
Food had to be made in a different way, in the darkness, with no electric appliances
I had lunch
I decided to go out as I was free for the day, however the rest of the world was busy (My friends)
I wanted to go and see a movie as I couldn't do it in my home, so I decided to go to the cinema
Turns out that when I decided to leave a storm started
An electric storm, thunders, lighting, heavy rain, very heavy rain
Had to stay put. In my home
So I slept
In the night the rain was less so I decided to go out
I took a taxi and headed myself out there
Searched for shoes for my mom. Found some pretty good ones
Roamed around the shopping center for an hour or so
Decided I wanted some coffee, the coffee shop was closed, went to another one and was closed as well
Went to the third one and was open
Bought myself some freakishly strong Irish coffee and some pastries
Took a picture of my meal and ate
It was really strong for my taste
Finished my coffee, roamed around the shopping center, took some pretty cool pictures of some kids playing, some games also
I was still a bit hungry so I went to the fast food place and got me a burger with fries for take out
Went home walking
On my way home I kept having cramps and pain in my lower abs, but it was too late to take a taxi home, as the road is a lonely one and a very country one as well
I arrived home and ate my burger with fries
The electricity had come back so I was able to check my messages and all else
My Nana called me, my aunt called me, my cousin messaged me
A person I care for didn't even messaged me, a couple of people actually
I now have a migraine and a Stomach ache also.

Well, now that you've read it, it is exactly how it happened, that is exactly what happened with me on my birthday, now you get to decide if is good or if is bad, here goes how I saw it, how I felt it.

I woke up and there was no light, mom said happy birthday and so did my siblings, there was nothing to wait for, no calls, no messages, I actually didn't care in the slightness, I wasn't expecting anything, and is just a day, to me it didn't really mattered if people called me or not, it was liberating, I didn't have to wait for someone to call, and I didn't have to put up with people in the phone, that after saying happy birthday didn't know what else to say, forcing myself to make small talk with people who call me once a year so it was liberating

I had to take a cold shower, that is always a shock, but is something that you should do every once in a while, take cold showers, I used to take them, now not so much, so it got me thinking that it is a good training, doesn't harm you and last just for a bit, good for your brain and skin also.

The cooking was difficult, but it made me appreciate how much harder other people have it, so I was grateful. I have food, I have water, I have appliances! That's always a good thing. I have kitchen, I'm so grateful I can just go to the kitchen and get something to eat.

The electric storm started before it rained, I'm terrified of thunder and lighting, so I just hid myself in my couch with my laptop watching DVD's, fell asleep, my mom was with me and so was my sister, I am so grateful each day for having them in my life.

After, in the night, I went to the shopping center, with my mom and my sister in tow, we looked at shoes, bought some shoes, laughed.

We roamed around the shopping center and so I wanted coffee, the first two shops were closed so we ended up going to a third cozy one that was open

We ordered some coffee and pastries, took some silly pictures of my meal, my mother laughed at me cause of it, I laughed with her, ate it, finished.

The Irish coffee had too much booze on it for my liking, got me dizzy in no time

I took some pictures of kids playing, and of kids games, I smiled through the whole thing, I love to see people have fun, I love to see how kids have the more fun, I love how some adults are still kids at heart.

I decided to bring home food, so we bought burgers and fries to go, the booze on the coffee still in my head, dizzy, fun

Went home walking, and yes I was having cramps and pain, but it was the most beautiful night, the moon could be seen through the clouds, and the grass was filled with fog, I could see my own breath leaving my mouth, it was an amazing walk, I saw some snails eating flowers, saw the moon, saw the fog, saw  the beautiful life, delightful.

Arrived home and had my meal, it was good, however I think I have eaten too much in the day so I got an indigestion

Like the electricity was back I was able to read my messages and see through them all, my day so far had been perfect, however I checked in to see that the people I care about had not even bothered to message me, hadn't even answered my messages from 3 days back, so I felt bad, shed some tears, wrote back some filled with feelings messages and just left all social networks

Now I write this, I have an indigestion and a migraine due to the same indigestion

However all in all was an awesome day and an awesome birthday

Is raining again

At that last point in my day I felt sad, I felt bad, frustrated, and is because I was expecting something that din't happen, so at that point I thought my birthday had sucked, for just a small and silly thing as a message from someone

Just for this simple little thing I though my day was ruined, and that my birthday had been a huge fiasco, just for the lack of an answer my day was almost ruined. Don't let that happen to you.

Because I wanted to feel that these people cared for me, which is probably true, but I thought that maybe in this day I could be extra special to them!! Well they didn't even know that, I don't think they even know it was my birthday, and somehow that's fine, they don't have to.

But you see? You get to decide if is good or if is bad!

My day was ultimately really good, I got presents, I got food, I got my loved ones, I got my favorite show on!

What else could I need?

Now, these people matter to me, but just a day doesn't define any kind of relationship, what I mean to say, don't base how you feel for people in the way that they treat you on special days, for example valentine's day, or anniversaries, or any other dates that might mean something, you should base your feelings on how they treat you all year long, in how they care when you are down, ultimately that date is just a day, but the day that you are living now, that day won't repeat itself

So, appreciate people who are with you when you need them, all year round, not just on special occasions

And I know that certain date might mean the most to you, but that doesn't mean that it should mean the most to someone else, even an anniversary, love is to be showed every day, not just one or 2 days in a year

But if you feel that a certain date is special to you, then do you, treat yourself to lunch, have a date with yourself, make that date special, even if is only for you, and if people want to celebrate it with you then welcome them.

If you want to make your birthday special then by all means go ahead, you can do it on your own, and if people join then great!!

All of  this blabbering has a point though, one that I am still struggling to learn, the point of it all is that you should be the only one who has control over your emotions, the only one who can say if a day was good or if a day was bad, but never based on what other say of you, or say to you, or do to you, people's actions are a reflection of themselves not of you.

Heal yourself, make yourself first, that's not selfish, is healthy, how would you help someone else if you can't even help yourself?

People can only hurt you when you let what they do or say affect you, they can only hurt you if you give them permission

There's a quote that I love and it goes like this " You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair, and all around there's silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that's loneliness or freedom"

So, to many  the first "draft" of my day was lonely and sad, however to me was freedom, have always been freedom.

In every aspect of your life.
In every situation.
In everything.
In every person you meet.
You decide.
Whether is loneliness or freedom.

Peace out my boys <3